Tobi oneshots
by Senge Waber
Summary: Tobi oneshots where Madara and Tobi are two different people. Designed to be crack. Ideas welcome, can include other Akatsuki members if you want. Real summary: Whenever something strange happens, blame Tobi. He had a hand in it, somewhere.
1. Monopoly

Tobi was in a jail cell.

Madara walked past.

"So, foolish little brother, who's laughing now?" Madara chuckled.

"I am!" Tobi shouted cheerfully.

Madara looked at his slightly insane little brother. Why was he so cheerful?

"You lose! I have a get out of jail free card!" Tobi pulled out a card that read 'Get out of jail free, ninja style'.

"Uh, that only works for monopoly..." Madara deadpanned.

"Aww..." Tobi walked up and put the card on one of the bars to his jail cell. It stuck to it.

_Did Tobi put double sided tape on it? I thought I got rid of all that stuff..._ Madara turned around, and began to walk off.

The card exploded, and the bar it was attached to homed in on Madara's head. It collided with a satisfying clang.

Tobi walked out of the jail cell, and walked up to his unconscious older brother.

"I'm laughing now bro! Oooh, shiny..." Tobi reached into Madara's pocket and pulled out..._something_.

It was roughly a ball, but metal with lots of lines all over it. "Pretty..." Tobi said to himself, and skipped away happily.

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If anyone has read Megatokyo, the shiny thing is Largo's cool thingy.

Anyone with any other ideas for a funny, stupid Tobi episode, review or PM me. I would like to continue this. I will ask that they are oneshot's though.

Senge.


	2. Orochimaru's tongue

Orochimaru was gazing at a freezing cold metal pole. Something about it just wasn't right.

Itachi walked behind him, wondering what was wrong with him. Then Tobi struck.

He shoved Itachi, who crashed into Orochimaru, who yelped in surprise. His mouth was open when he hit the pole, and his tongue was stuck to the frozen pole.

"Agth! Who did that?" Orochimaru demanded as best he could, considering he couldn't move.

"Orochimaru-sempai! I'll free you!" Tobi called out cheerfully, and picked Orochimaru up, and yanked on him. Orochimaru yelled in pain, but his tongue didn't let go of the pole.

And again.

And again.

And _again_.

Orochimaru felt himself get a little further from the pole every time. _Maybe Tobi actually _is_ helping for a change..._ He thought.

But no, Orochimaru's tongue wasn't letting go of the pole bit by bit, it was getting stretched.

Kisame walked past, seeing Tobi pulling Orochimaru away from the pole. As humorous as it was, he decided to help him.

By pulling harder.

"Tobi, let me help." Kisame told Tobi.

Tobi dropped Orochimaru on the floor. "Tobi's arms tired." He made a show of dragging them on the floor.

Kisame cracked his shoulders, grabbed Orochimaru by the waist, and pulled. Orochimaru finally came free of the pole's icy grip. The tip of his tongue was left behind, but it was a small price to pay for freedom.

"Damn, how am I gonna fit all thith back in my mouth?" Orochimaru asked, his now enormous tongue hanging out.

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The mystery of Orochimaru's massive tongue solved, Tobi style!


	3. Kitten

Tobi went out and bought a cute little tiger kitten, and brought it back to the Akatsuki hideout.

"Tobi bought a cute little kitty cat!" He exclaimed.

The various Akatsuki members around him looked at him with various expressions.

Zetsu couldn't care less as long as it didn't eat his meat.

Deidara wondered if it would change colour if he blew it up.

Itachi blinked. Nothing else showed on his face.

Madara laughed.

"My kitty!" Tobi hid it from Madara's eyes quickly.

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Later that day, Tobi decided that Kisame's aquarium was overpopulated, and that wasn't healthy. Except for the growing kitten.

2 hours later, Kisame walked sleepily into his room. It had been a long day.

He saw Tobi standing over his aquarium, and thought nothing of it.

Until he heard a faint meow.

Kisame turned around, and quickly examined his aquarium. It held about a third of the fish that were in it before.

"...Your...cat...killed...my..." Kisame was cut off by Tobi.

"Your fishies didn't like being all squished together like that. Tobi fix!" He held the kitten up in front of him.

"ITACHI!" Kisame yelled. Now he really felt like roasted cat.

Itachi casually strolled in. "Yes?" He asked without emotion.

"AMATERASU THAT KITTEN!" Kisame screamed maniacally. Itachi shrugged and complied.

The kitten howled in ethereal wails, and Tobi flicked his mask up and down quickly, and while everyone only saw a flash of orange, the flames were extinguished. Tobi fled crying in an exaggerated manner.

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"Tobi doesn't think he can help the little kitten here." He began sadly. "Tobi thinks you should go live somewhere else." Tobi abandoned the kitten in a small tree hollow, tears dripping from underneath his mask.

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Two days later...

The kitten had approached a large clearing, with a big house in the middle. Just as he reached the front door, the Fire Daimyo's wife opened the door, to find the burnt kitten sitting there.

"Oh! I'm gonna take care of you, fire kitten. My little Tora."

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Explains that mystery too, huh?


	4. First prank

**Tobi's first prank**

70 years ago...

Tobi walked into the cave, following his big brother.

"Here it is, the Bijuu statue. With this, I will control the world." Madara told his little brother.

"Oooooohh. Cool, can Tobi touch it?" Tobi asked excitedly.

"Uh, I suppose...?" Madara wondered why someone would want to touch such a grotesque statue.

Tobi walked over to the large statue when he noticed something.

"Hey, someone put duct tape on the statue. Tobi fix!" Tobi said cheerfully.

"Wait, Tobi, no!" Madara panicked.

RIP!...KABOOM!

Tobi had entered some sort of delirium. "Hehe, rainbow!"

"NO!" Madara shouted as the nine Bijuu vacated the chamber.

"Nice fireworks big brother!" Tobi jumped happily

"Tobi that wasn't...ARGH! That took me 20 years!" Madara yelled. "What do you have to say for yourself? ! ?"

"Wow, big brother has a lot of patience." Tobi said simply.

Madara blinked, he just hit the weak spot of the Uchiha on the head. Compliment them while in a rage, and any desire to maim vanished.

"Look, a distraction sign!" Tobi pointed behind Madara.

"Yeah, like I'm gonna fall for...wait, a sign?" Madara turned around. There actually was a sign that had 'distraction' written on it, as well as a Tobi mask with a crudely drawn tongue poking out.

Madara turned back to find his brother missing.

"TOBI! ! !" Madara screeched.

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Tobi can be both innocent and evil at the same time. That's why he's so awesome.

I desperately need new ideas to continue these skits. Reveiw or PM me with ideas! (or constructive critisism. Flames help nobody, and only saying it's awesome or something like that only makes me look good, not help me get better.)


	5. Dark fire, dark plant

Inspired by psychoticmemory

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**Dark fire, dark plant**

Tobi was walking outside in the afternoon sun. Too bad that was the one of the only natural things that was orange. And fire. Fire was orange. Such a marvellous colour.

A lone bird flew overhead. Things were so peaceful...

SPLAT!

Tobi felt something hit his mask. He pulled out a little mirror. He couldn't let some passerby see his face, could he?

Bird shit. That bird had crapped on his _mask_. No living thing other that himself defiled that mask.

Tobi shot the bird a venomous, sharingan fuelled glance at the bird, and it combusted into black flames. Sure, they weren't as pretty as orange flames, but they'd do.

Tobi whistled to himself as he walked away, reminding himself to get a second mask.

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Konan was busy peeling the bark off a tree, when it suddenly erupted in black flames. Konan stared as the paper tree slowly disintegrated, into the form of a man.

Inwardly thanking whatever gods decided plants should have leaves, for they covered a decent portion of his...its...whatever it was, the torso region down, Konan ran for her life.

The side of the tree Konan had stripped bled white sap, whereas the other half was charred black by the flames that had vanished within the plant's body. The black side's eye opened, and the sharingan flared for half a second. **"Hmm, that woman tried to strip me...I think I'll return the favour, and see how she likes it." **"Yeah, that hurt like hell. Payback's a bitch."

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And so, Zetsu was born. And like all things in this Naruto universe, blame Tobi.


	6. The mask

Might be aimed for a slightly more mature audience then the rest of these, but I'll throw it in anyway.

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**The mask**

Tobi woke up just like he did every morning.

He put on his orange swirly mask...but something was very wrong.

"Tobi can't see!" He yelled, running into the living room.

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Kakuzu was smiling evilly in his own room. He'd stuck a video camera in Tobi's eye hole, so he didn't have to run around filming Tobi to get money to feed everyone. Ingenious, actually.

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"Wait, Tobi knows this place like the back of Tobi's hand! Tobi will act like nothing's wrong!" He cheered himself on, and decided to visit Pein for his orders.

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Tobi opened the large door. If he wasn't blind, he could have seen the note that said, 'Do not enter. Punishment is two hours with Tobi.' and even Tobi knew how annoying Tobi could be. He'd seen many tapes of this mysterious 'Tobi' person, and Tobi didn't want to meet him.

"Tobi? ! ?" Pein was shocked. "What are you doing in here?"

"Tobi was wondering what mission Pein-sama was going to give him." Tobi responded innocently. "Wait, leader-sama isn't on his throne..."

"Uh, Pein? Is it just me, or is Tobi a little less co-ordinated today?" Konan asked.

"Oh! Pein and Konan sound like they're really close together! Are you playing a game?" Tobi asked excitedly.

Pein blinked. _He's blind... _"Yes Tobi, I'm playing a game with Konan. Now can you leave us alone?" Pein asked patiently.

"OK!" Tobi ran straight backwards into the wall, knocking himself out. The camera still recorded.

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"...Jiraiya's gonna be paying a fortune for this..." Kakuzu was already sending him a summons.


	7. Colours

Tobi walked out of his room, with a _new mask on_.

This mask was yellow, had a pencil wide grin with a red tongue sticking out, and only one of the eye holes was open.

Of course, as soon as somebody else saw him, he was attacked. It was Deidara.

Clay bombs went off inside the hideout, while Tobi was franticly shouting at Deidara to stop.

After all, how could he be a good boy if he was on fire? He didn't know.

Once Deidara realised it was Tobi, and not some sort of spy, he asked Tobi the most important question.

"Why isn't your mask orange?"

If anyone could see Tobi's face, they would have seen shock. He pulled out a mirror, and saw that the mask was yellow.

"Gasp. Deidara-sempai is right! You care about Tobi!" Tobi fiddled with his cloak a little more. "Ah! Tobi found it!"

He grabbed an orange spray can, and a permanent marker. He sprayed the mask with the paint, and redrew the lines for the smiling mouth, the outline of the tongue, and the eye. He put both objects back in his pocket, and pulled out an old tissue, which he slipped under his mask and wiped his eye until a distinct squeaky sound could be heard.

Deidara, being a fan of art, just had to ask. "Tobi, you do know the tongue is orange as well, right?"

"Tobi knows. Orange is the best colour ever!" Tobi whistle to himself as he walked away.

Deidara had already hit his body's daily Tobi tolerance levels, and it was only 5 in the morning.

All he could do, was blink.


	8. Kakuzu's bank

"Tobi knows! Kakuzu-san should make a bank!" Tobi exclaimed, as Kakuzu was once again having difficulty counting his cash.

"Tobi, just shut...actually, that's not a bad idea..." Kakuzu was deep in thought, something he often did when surrounded by cold, hard cash.

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Two days later...

"WHERE'S ALL MY MONEY! ? ! ? !" Kakuzu screamed as if his arm was chopped off, melted, and shoved back into his shoulder. Which to him it probably meant the same thing, but that's another issue.

Everyone hid. The Akatsuki glared at each other, trying to decide who did it. Just so they could sell him out and laugh while he got interrogated for the cash. Of course, there was always one person who never lied...

"TOBI! Who stole my money?" Kakuzu demanded.

"Tobi did, Kakuzu-san!" Tobi said cheerfully.

Kakuzu's jaw dropped.

"Big brother said that if Tobi wants to stay with him, Tobi has to learn to be a bad boy." Tobi wailed.

_Violent mood swings...check._ Kakuzu was checking if this was the real Tobi. While Tobi knew no fear, he was also a good boy...he thought.

"So Tobi decided he would try!" Tobi said happily.

"Tobi, where is my money...?" Kakuzu asked slowly.

"Tobi bought lots and lots of sugar with it!" He cheered.

Tobi ran off to eat sugar, while Kakuzu was suffering post traumatic stress.

It only got worse when Tobi suddenly yelled out.

"TOBI'S A BAD BOY! ! ! WHEEEEEEE! ! ! EVIL PINK SLIDE OF TEDDY BEARS! ! !"


	9. Glasses

Hidan's in this chapter, so a little swearing.

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Tobi heard that Itachi was losing his eyesight, and so Tobi decided to prove it.

Itachi was walking past Tobi's room, and Tobi put a plush bunny in his way. Itachi was used to looking down on Sasuke, and noticed the bunny almost instantly.

Tobi, in his expert prankster mind, noticed this, and tried a new tactic.

Tobi walked into Sasori's room, and borrowed several strings. Instead of placing the bunny on the ground, he tied it at face height, and the string was attached horizontally so that if Itachi walked into it, he would get coat-hangered.

Strangely enough, he did walk into the bunny this time, and landed flat on his back. Tobi innocently walked over and 'noticed' Itachi on the ground.

"Itachi-sempai! Are you ok?" Tobi looked at the bunny. "Are you going blind? Tobi buy you a pair of glasses!" Tobi ran off before a word left Itachi's mouth.

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Tobi bought Itachi a set of librarian's glasses. Itachi also decided to wear the glasses, as he really could see better. Maybe now he could finally see the look on Sasuke's face when they saw each other.

Hidan saw Itachi, and burst out laughing.

Itachi looked at him, actually able to see him for a change. "What's so funny?"

"I don't fucking know what's funnier. That you got tricked by that little shit Tobi into wearing fucking glasses, or that you look so bloody good wearing them." Hidan was trying not to cuss for a change. It preserved some of the hilarity.

Itachi blinked, then turned around. "I'm getting contacts."

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I thought of this one because the manga said Itachi was losing his sight. Then I realised I could actually imagine Itachi wearing glasses, and so this chapter was born.


	10. Puppets

Inspired by Sonar.

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Tobi was just finishing cramming Deidara's primed clay in Sasori's puppets.

Tobi had it all planned out. He was going to wait until Sasori discovered the clay, and Tobi had a recording of Deidara yelling 'KATSU!'.

All Tobi wanted to do was to see some expression on Sasori's face. It was so bland all the time.

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Sasori went to polish his puppets. He polished them off once a week, to keep them battle ready, and Deidara proof. Deidara would love to prove that art was only an instantaneous thing, and turning Sasori's art into his own would be the icing on the cake.

Sasori pulled out his first puppet, and discovered the clay all through the puppet. Sasori glanced around, bored. As he began to remove it, Tobi played the recording.

"**KATSU!"** Deidara's voice seemed louder because of his anticipation.

Sasori's face filled with shock, and if anyone could see Tobi's, they would have seen the same.

You see, all the clay blew up, in both of their faces.

Both got through alright, only minor burns, and nothing Sasori couldn't buff out of himself. It was when Tobi landed in front of him that Sasori was confused.

"Tobi didn't know Deidara-sempai's clay was voice activated!" Tobi exclaimed with disturbing mirth, considering he was still on fire.

"Tobi...you're on fire." Sasori returned to his emotionless state.

"YAY! ! ! Tobi wears more orange now!" Tobi ran off.

Sasori blinked. It was too troublesome to figure out.

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The real reason Deidara's clay blew up, was because Deidara came home early. The first thing he noticed, was his armed clay was missing.

So he walked to Sasori's room, and yelled. **"KATSU!"**

It coincided with the recording's voice, and blew almost all of Sasori's puppets to pieces.

"Kami-sama's got a good sense of humour..." Deidara smirked.

"THERE IS NO KAMI-SAMA! ! ! THERE IS ONLY JASHIN! ! !" Hidan yelled.

Deidara didn't care. Blowing Tobi _and_ Sasori up already marked one of the best days of his life.


End file.
